My group of friends has changed over the past years. I guess the fact that I have lived in 4 different parts of the world in the past 3 years might have a little to do with it. One just has to adapt to these changes. Cold times -> warm thoughts. Hot times -> Fresh thoughts.
Last year before I moved for 6 months, I had [what I thought were] solid friendships. I have not lost all of them, just a couple, but sadly there are the ones I've believed in the most. They were “for real”... I thought. I was in a dark spot, and they helped me survive. They were the greatest people for me, I could tell them anything, anytime. I really loved them, and the reason why I feel like writing about this is because I am hurt.
The issues I was going through last year were blinding me to what sort of people they really were. I never imagined they would get that mean, ignorant, and hurtful. What I really want to say right now is not only I'm sad I lost the friendships, But I know they are trying to make a war out of it. I'm never cool with that type of behavior.
You hate me? FINE. They shouldn't go and try to raise people against me, that's not ok. There is nothing I hate more than people talking hella shit onto my back, because they don't like me. Don't go and reveal my secrets to people, it doesn't concern them. By doing that though, you saved me the burden of justifying myself; people don't take you seriously, they think you trying to manipulate them. If they know and somewhat in the group of friends we used to be, they'll know that you are nada but a bag full of mierda.
It was proven to me too often that, in fact, friends are like seasons, they come and go. I love friendship. I love my friends. I have maintained most of the friendships I have had, but not geographically. There is a saying that goes “Away from your eyes, Away from your heart”. Ultimately nobody is there the whole way. You are very much by yourself, at least I am.
This is actually a very optimistic note. I'm happy with what I have, I could not ask for more, just some time garbage invade your life, and it needs to get out.
In two weeks I will be back home, and again I'll have to face your absence. Vous etes parti et moi je dois rester. Je suis une rose, vous n'avez pas attendu que je montre mes petal de velour; tout ce que je vous ai donne c'est des coups d'epines. Personne ne m'arose d'amour comme tu le faisais maman. J'arrive pas a grandir, mais sans toi je suis forcer a etre un chene. Les coups de la vie m'etoufent. J'ai besoin de toi pour respirer, j'ai plus d'air j'etouffe. J'arrive pas a te dire aurevoir, j'accepte pas ton depart car tu peux pas nous laisser. Tu peux pas. Le vide que tu laisse etre trop grand pour que je puisse voir. Je vois rien. J'ai perdu la vue, l'ouie. J'entend plus mon coeur battre. J' arrive plus a aimer. J'aime plus rien, rien, rien n'a de la valeur. Je donnerai TOUT ce que j'ai pour seulement t'avoir 20 min. Voir ton visage, ecouter ta voix, tes conseils, tes je t'aimes. Je t'aime aussi Maman, Je t'aime plus que tout. La semaine derniere j'ai trouver des emails de toi. J'etais a Boston, et je te manquais. Je t'avais abandonne. Voila ....
Salut ma belle, Voilà je suis sortie de l'hôpital. Je vais très bien. Lundi je vais faire un petscan, ensuite je retourne à l'hôpital pour deux ou trois jours : ils vont me faire une ponction au poumon (biopsie) pour voir quelle genre d'infection j'ai et ensuite je suppose que je serai traitée par doses massives d'antibiotiques et je serai certainement de retour à la maison mercredi ou jeudi. De toute façon, tu seras tenue au courant de tout chaque jour qui passe. Hier on a essayé de te joindre sans succès. On réessayera ce soir. Je pense beaucoup à toi et j'ai hâte de te serrer dans mes bras. Vivement juillet. Franco et Patricia m'ont dit que si tu voulais aller à Siderno, ils te logeront avec plaisir. Graziella et Cosi m'avaient fait la même proposition. On en reparlera quand tu seras là, mais il n'y a pas de problème tu pourras passer tes vacances là-bas ! Hier, en sortant de l'hôpital j'ai pris RV chez le coiffeur, j'ai fait couper tout court !!! Mathilde adore et elle me dit qu'elle a l'impression d'avoir deux ans car elle se souvient que j'ai coiffée comme ça quand elle était toute petite!!!!! Je t'aime mon coeur et vivement ce soir ou demain que je t'entende. Bisousssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Mamounette
So I got a note on my door this morning. Here it is :
"Dear Neighbors. We too, enjoy music. But alas, none of us live in soundproof units. In a perfect world, we would. Please courteously turn down your stereo. We're going to you first, but we will, with love, go to the landlord next. <3 All of the other tenants. Ps: also, people do like to sleep. Please don't yell as loud as possible at 3 in the morning :) "
OK neighbor ! First of, this w-e might be the first w-e I don't have anyone over or any sort of party, simply because THERE IS NO ONE AROUND for Thanksgiving; People go home !
Yelling at 3 am??? I was in bed by 11pm ..., and no one was here but me.
I also love how you sign "<3 all the other tenants" that's some major BS, 'cause no one knows who the fuck you are.
I 'd love you to go check with the landlord, who is missing when it comes to fix our windows.
Bitch I wanna know who you are ! And don't play smart with me, cus I don't like that !
I have noticed lately that people are very hypocritical. Not that I aren't, I just try not to hurt the ones around. I know they don't mean to hurt me either but, still they do. Anyhow, I have been sitting in my apartment for 2 days straight and I've been thinking a lot. It is Thanksgiving break here, and people are very excited. It's a lot of people's favorite holiday. They know what Thanksgiving stands for, and yet they meet, sit, eat and drink for the matter. There are now a lot more things to celebrate rather than genocide, Don't you think?
I have lost her about a year and a half ago, and since then my life has been damaged. It was the most painful experience I have gone through and will probably be forever. They say the loss of a mother is one of the most important steps a human has to live-- another one of them being marriage. I'm scared because I know there is still a lot of pain that will generate from my loss, but I'm not scared of anything anymore. I need her. They also say that she isn't gone, she is right there inside me, in my heart. She is. But I need more...